ever-growing tree

10:34pm: i want you
i want you
so bad
i want you
and its never sad
i want your lips
and i want your hips
and i want every inch you have to give
but you'll give me nothing
i am alone in this endeavor
and as the tears stream right down my face into the puddles
i never worry
because its always raining in my mind, so why not the outside world as well?
i have an umbrella, rainboots are cheap right?
i dont know i dont care
i wil be drenched in tears and sweat and rain
and nothing could ever mirror the pain
that you have disposed upon me
just dispose of me
oh hows that for melancholy?
do i get an a plus?
do i get an a plus?
oh validate me
satiate me
none of you do
none of you will
i get my satisfaction from every drink and every pill
today i found my friends, theyre in my mind
nothing on this earth youll ever find
or how about the other eight planets?
we are not the same i am an alien
hey lil wayne how about alienated?
violated
get
me
sedated

11:54pm: moremoremore
satisfied smiles and elusive eyes


i've spent the last few hours,



just pacing in my head.


'cause if i'd moved my feet,


i'd surely be dead.


i could go on and on and on,



about things you wouldn't understand.



or i could throw inhibitions in the air,


and leave them where they land.


oh, it's just fine we're not on the same page,


or the same chapter, or the same book.



and it's perfectly alright, you're much too careful,


to leap before you look.



surely, it's okay, if you find me a little late,


you'll scream you've been running for days?


i'll smile and shrug, i never said i would wait.</i>

11:31pm: it's treacherous times like these,
i feel i'm contagious with all kinds of disease.
i think i'm in cardiac arrest,
nothing but wishful thinking at best.
yearning and burning with record-breaking fever,
just like how i used to know a lover who'd leave her.
oh, that was just fun and games, a thing of the past.
now i'm facing paralysis, in a full-body cast.
i will pay for the things i've done,
the heart i've lost and the brains i've won.
yeah, maybe smarts aren't too good for love,
but i was always better at fighting, when push came to shove.
so, perhaps we should ring bells and alarms?
no, i'm quite resigned to my fate, running with open arms.

9:40pm: self-proclaimed, a restless soul.
vibrant paint-splatters, trimmed in gold.
but i'm weary now, i can't burn twice as bright.
i'm forced to find solace in sunshine and come out at night.
half the time, i think i'm falling out of touch,
the other half, i'm wasting, not amounting too much.
i've had a cup of overflowing truth, no lies, dry as a bone.
but lately, i've been feeling thirsty and far too alone.
what is right? i'm not asking for any retribution.
is it much too wrong to ask for resolution?
who am i? where have i been? why am i here?
if you have to ask you'll never know, nothing's clear........................

2:53am: this is just a storage bin
covering real on all bases,
still too many fake faces!
i know who i am, and i see you too well,
don't you even dare to drag me to your hell.
I'm thinking you've got too much baggage,
I don't carry suitcases with nothing engaged.
I know baggage and engaged don't really make sense,
but I'm more than prepared to consider you past tense.
whatever will be is just fine with me,
it is what it is.
I've covered everything,
there's nothing i've missed.





oh yeah i hate bitches
and liars
this is just a storage bin

5:23pm: hm
i'm grasping at nothing with sharpened claws,
society told me to cut them, but i'm not one for laws
you don't need to flatter, i'm strong from flexing.
troubled times, tried and true, yet problems, still vexing.

you ask too many questions, i don't have answers!
my thoughts and words twisting, like when we were dancers.
i know you remember, when we met, making eyes.
something i didn't expect to feel, completely surprised.

you said it was just like cat and mouse,
i'm not some sort of game, i don't play house.
do what you will, take me or leave me.
i'm not some sort of fool, don't dare deceive me!







dont you make me sorry
i said
dont you make me sorry
i said
dont you make me sorry
i said

i cant breathe and that's just fine with me.

12:28am: oh man
stop making me smile
it just isn't the style.
my face in my hands,
nothing less than perfect demands.
good god! i want to jump out of my skin,
i opened the door, you let yourself in.
the way you stare gives me a rush,
then you simply smile, and i simply blush.
what is this sort of feeling?
the sort of thing that sends me reeling?
i dare not give it some sort of name,
fact is, if you're lost, you're not mine to claim.
but that won't stop me, you are the glimmer in my eye.
please don't drop me, but if you do, leave me where i lie.

11:31pm: writing writing writing!
i feel great! i love writing
it always keeps my emotions in check
i was really upset not too long ago
but now i feel loads better
thank you creativity
and readiness of my keyboard
although my new journal is proving quite needed.




the fight that never ends

hastily scribbling,
wetting the paper with my tears.
continually boggling my mind,
with incomprehensible fears.

the word soul and mate is something i one day hope to understand,
i know a watched pot never boils, he should just fall into my hand.
but i keep on grasping at nothing but air,
silently wondering if anyone will ever be there.

i continually roam trying to remain unjaded
sometimes there's a bitter girl in the mirror, heartless people created.
i try harder and harder, i won't let my truth self disappear,
i'm just aching for a love so true and clear.

just a few moments more,
when the old is gone, new runs though my door.
the walls won't ever close in on me though,
if the door becomes locked, i'll crawl through the window.

yes, it's true i've always been a survivor,
holding my breath through domestic wars, a deep sea diver.
cynics aside, i'll keep on giving.
kiss doubters goodbye, i'll keep on living.





but they tasted so true going down


you fed me all your lies,
oh, you know i ate them all up,
before i could tell if it was half-empty or full,
you threw away the cup.

you consumed my days,
but i'm thinking i was just a distraction.
you know how i felt,
but you didn't feel a fraction.

i'm sure i should've known,
from the restless way you were always humming.
oh. i know i'm no psychic,
but i know i saw that coming.

10:28pm: too much is never enough
i don't know why i think it's strange,
but what they say is true, people never change.
just rearranging themselves, maybe just a little bit.
molding to whatever standards they yearn to fit.

i remember when i knew you like the back of my hand,
i remember when we were sailing on a ship that wasn't manned.
there's too many memories floating,
and there's too many circuits overloading.

oh wait, there's a freckle i never noticed before,
i think we drifted, no! we crashed, right upon the shore.
and right about now i'm thanking the lord,
cause right about then i almost leapt overboard.

i think i imagined the ship sinking,
filled with treasure and us inside, i'm thinking.
but i suspect my mind is bogged,
so why do i feel waterlogged?

10:26pm: this is different
my faith in humanity is dwindling at an alarming rate.
and the sirens all go off, flashing and wailing.
systematic seizures, white and red lights.
i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place
so i hid under the rock for awhile,
and nobody noticed.
and nobody cared.
and business was business as usual.
i don't know why,
but i'm so surprised!
so disappointed.
so forgotten.
is anyone out there?
does anyone care?
can you hear me?
i've been screaming so loud
i'm hoarse and filled with doubt.
i've been calling on god
at all hours of the night,
and all i get is a busy signal.
everyone's got problems,
everyone's got troubles,
mine are no different.
yet i swear
one gust of wind
could send me off the deep end
and around the bend
and then dashed and smashed and slashed.
how's that for the end?

5:41pm: happy fathers day............................................
calling all cars
have you seen my father?
no, not the abandoner.
the one that cares.
and loves.
and helps.
'cause all you ever did was hurt.
parents sure leave their scars on you,
even when you don't want them to.
following the footsteps
down the path lined in musicnotes
isn't it familiar?
i learned it from you.






i've been writing so much lately
thankyou god
i may be obscenely depressed,
but it's doing wonders from ink to paper

9:10pm: get yourself out of the rut, it's wearing thin.
and your shoes resemble
sad, old men.
and they're getting too tight.
but i can show you from shadows to light.

let's go buy some new pairs,
with extra thick laces.
let's embrace something new,
in some unfamiliar places.


get in my car and we'll drive,
and keep driving until it's on e.
shouting defiantly out the passenger window,
we've been stuck so long, we're finally free!

7:06pm: more
lately ive been writing a lot. i guess it's because i haven't felt truly happy in a while. both a blessing and a curse.
whatever,
here you go online chronicles.




it's much too easy to laugh and smile,
stuck in a game of charades, all the while.
varnish on tarnish, a superficial sheen.
i'm the best actress that i've ever seen.

too many reasons to keep it to myself
store it all in bottles, stacked on the shelf.
filled with anguish and secrets, top to bottom.
i send S.O.S. messages but i don't know if God got them.

i haven't lost my nerve
i aced that test, i need no curve
i wake up, do my duty, then pseudo-sleep again.
i'm fighting a fight i don't think i'll win.

like a habit i can't break,
like the smile i continue to fake,
like how life is what you make,
i'm the giver, that everyone takes.

9:34am: gypsy gypsy
i went to a fortune teller who read my palm,
at once all nervousness vanished, replaced with calm.
she recited all the customary deal.
speaking smoothly of all that time heals.

she smiled and said, "you'll lead a long life,"
she sighed and said, "yet filled with some blue-mooned strife."
i smirked graciously and took it in with a grain of salt,
walking away, hearing sounds of my feet on the asphalt.

i never followed that path before me,
take me as i come, loathe or adore me.
elusive strangers i've yet to catch,
spontaneity sparks me, like fire to a match.

glory glory, i won't stay where i'm stationed,
acquired nomadic gypsy notions, glowing elation.
animated farewells, a grin and a sigh,
my hand shakes as i wave goodbye!

11:07pm: i really hope
that last entry is really private.
i'm listening to elliott smith and my tattoo itches and its a really creative night for me so i'll probably write more i'm willing to share....
i still don't get half of this site but whatever, its so much easier for me to edit things on here than to physically scratch out
words
thoughts
people.




seems like the sweet taste of nicotine is one of two things that calm me,
the other? seeking out the father, not the abandoner, the omniscient one.
seems like my prayers are being answered and that knowledge comes sweetly.
it's like the chocolate, you don't like it.
with a touch of bitterness, i'll be going away soon.
and visiting trips, i know i've promised you.
yet i think we both know:
out of sight, out of mind.
but the truth is,
as soon as i saw you,
i lost my mind.
and ever since then,
i haven't been able to find it,
searching without a sound.
and i'm too afraid to look in the lost and found.
i think my heart ran away with it too,
but i don't need to look for that,
cause it's resting in your hands.
you just stuck it in your pocket
and said "make no demands!"
you won't hear a single word,
speechless silence you've never heard.
i could write your name on a piece of paper and burn it
it'd be safe for me to say, you earned it.

1:10pm: i don't know what questions you've got.


but at the end of the night,


you'll still have your cup overflowing,


but don't look now, your curiosity's showing!



i'm an avid fan of poetic justice.


i was born a wayward one,


not quite sure where im going,


but i know where i'm from.


i'm a free spirit.


life is a professor,


what an intriguing subject to study,


but i bet i'd fail the test.


nevermind the tests!


i threw my book out the window,


the day i laid eyes on my restless soul.


and a thousand stories down,


the papers played nice with the wind,


and i haven't seen them since!








for the archives

1:17am: lalala
you can continuously switch it off and on
everlasting pros, never a single con.
you aren't who you meekly proclaim you are,
you're vicious to the man in the mirror, you're way past the par.

you ask me why i gracefully fell,
you listen to everything i'd ever tell.
we have no necessary need for whispers,
and you give me your sweater when i get the shivers.

you are the intriguing subject i can't stop studying,
you are the warm body i won't stop cuddling.
fading in and out, you can casually dim the switches,
and it truly doesn't hurt, no, i won't need stitches.

the truth is, my dear, i don't mind at all.
i know you aren't stretching to catch me when i fall.
i don't need you like i need air,
that's a necessity, but you're almost there.

i told you i might be leaving, to a far away place,
i wish i could've showed you the look on your face.
you know i'll be reaching out and holding fast,
if everything else ceases to be, our friendship will last.

1:13am: i cant wait
i cant seem to wait to get up and go,

get up and go!

get up and go!

get up and go!

but im still grabbing time.

but its slipping through my fingers.

but i'm not done with today!

how did it become yesterday?

10:27am: is it worth the while?
don't give me fake smiles
which history book are you reading?
how long has it been me that you're needing?
i could count days, months, five times over a year,
tell me what it's like to disappear.
cause i know one thing, and its true
i'll never disappear away from you.





anger and disappointment,
discomforted and hurt.
you surprised me more than i can say,
the word that links us, becomes redefined.
you've got too many secrets in cages, and you lost every key.
and now i'll keep these thoughts to myself,
but i knew what you were thinking.
yeah, i knew what you were thinking.
maybe you were right,
but maybe you weren't.
whatever happened to the benefit of the doubt?

10:47pm: but you'll never know
i think i've gone blind, yet again.
i'm stumbling, and falling, the lights are much too dim.
and i don't favor it,
no, not the slightest bit.

acquiesce! give me back my eyes!
tell me where you hid them, i don't like this surprise!
'cause all i see is you,
and i want to see everything else too.

you tiptoe stealthily in the night
nothing here could be construed as right.
remember how we said nothing ever makes sense?
yeah, i've cut myself, but these words i won't mince.

and when i awake, i can't seem to find,
that precious thing, i call my mind.
nothing but thoughts of you, your secret storing space.
the only thing that comes to it, is pictures of your face.


give me back my eyes and my mind,
if you're seeking my heart, it's something you won't find.
you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
because no one will ever have that, not ever again.

5:07pm: lately this has become my personal creative outlet
i think i like it
perhaps i shall compile these all together once upon a time......



i'm keen to your surprising absence,
words are one thing i won't mince.
where have you ran?
i'll follow you, if i can.

i can't have you fall,
anticipating your call.
if this is a mere overreaction,
i'll humbly offer a retraction.

but at least you'd know i care,
this loneliness i'm not ready to bear.
i wake up trembling and shaking
dreams of you, memories i'm taking.

in my heart and head they'll stay.
but why don't you come back today?
we can take pictures like we would.
i'd drag you back if i could.

i love you and i can't say it enough,
i hope you're just on sabbatical, life can be rough.
i'll be your umbrella in the stormiest weather,
when it rains you can't see my tears, come home heather.





WHERE ARE YOU
WHERE ARE YOU
I NEED YOU
forever




















and then all was well


though the trip to the gas station was an anxious one,
walking wasn't fast enough, i had to run.
cantine in hand, peace in mind,
nothing left to lose and nothing left to find.

by morning, i had memorized the cracks in the wall
it was still dark outside, as i crept down the hall
gasoline as my color, the ground as my canvas
who would've dreamed me an arsonist?

pseudo-romantic notions of heart-shaped splatters,
the fumes were nearly intoxicating, like it matters.
i stepped back and had a long look see,
perhaps i smiled a little deviously.

i struck the match with ardent feeling
personal consolation, contrived healing.
i burned every bridge that kept you near
you'd drown trying to swim here.

hypnotized by the burning brush,
time to kill, no need to rush.
like ancient savages, i'm in awe
no such crime, no such law.

red, yellow, pink, blue
entertwined and vivid hue.
as ash and smoke flies,
the sun picks the minute to rise.

i was transfixed in the scene
no bitterness apparent, just serene.
euphoria that can't possibly be concieved,
color me unremorseful, paint me relieved.

11:09pm: wham bam thank you maam
just a little something to placate my creative mood
seeyou








easy as one two three


when the hands you once held
start grasping your neck
hold your head high

when the days crawling by
start running out of time
break all the clocks

when the flowers you cultivated
starting turning into weeds
find new roots

hold your head high
break all the clocks
find new roots




your only present

all i give now
smirks miles long
nothing quite amusing
yet strangely satisfying
aren't you dying?
just dying to be free,
of the chains that pulled us together?
locked me up tight
and you still can't let go,
let go.

12:40am: nights like these
nights like these
make me miss you
for all the wrong reasons
with no right in sight

i saw the treat i used to buy you
and it made me sad, because i never buy them anymore
even though i used to like them,
when i was with you.

i heard someone speak like you used to
and it made me sad, because i haven't heard your voice in a while
even though i used to like it,
when i was with you.

i saw someone treat their girlfriend, the way you used to treat me
and it made me sad, because she didn't deserve it and neither did i
even though i used to think it was right,
when i was with you.

i thought about how you used to love me,
and it made me sad, because i wish you still did
even though it's only for the sake of loneliness,
cause you never really showed it to me,
when i was with you.

12:59am: moremoremore
20,000 leagues

i looked down
and there you were,
way down below.

i saw you asleep
on the ocean floor,
under the sea.

when you awoke
i joined you,
and we grew tails.

we smiled in unison,
and never gasped for air,
we started swimming.

i followed you,
into a grotto,
with technicolor walls.

an abundance of murky water,
although i held no goggles,
but i never saw you as clearly.

suddenly, my eyes are open,
and i am breathing,
life is but a dream.

and yet, i still remember
how your face looked,
elusive mermaid boy.

12:48am: morepoetry
mona lisa smiles,
but she never says a word.
mona lisa thinks,
but her thoughts are never heard.

i smile at you,
and i watch you smile back.
you think i'm on the offense,
but i'm ready for attack.

i'll give you smiles,
and i'd sleep in your bed.
i'll follow your moves,
but i won't be led.

i try to see into your soul,
as i look into your eyes.
with the best intentions for myself,
i never lose my disguise.

you can call me an enigma,
just because i play it cool.
we can play all you want,
but i won't be played a fool.

mona lisa smiles,
but she never says a word.
mona lisa thinks,
but her thoughts are never heard.